I just played the worst game ever that's called Love.

I suck at it and I failed.

I died terribly and it felt like it's game over.

K.O.

Continue?

Well, you don't have to play a part in every roles you think you want to be.

That's why we named people as your boyfriend, best friend, mom dad and other family members.

My dear best friend, you can't fill the hole in my heart because one of the person who plays my role in my life has gone. Your job as a best friend is just as simple. Simply asking me " OH GIRL, YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT GIRL?! and then we'll start bitching. Oh girl, ARE YOU FREE FOR MEET UPS!? WE NEED SOME CATCH UP SOON! OH GIRL! I want to gossip with you so much about this guy. OH BABY GIRL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I FELL IN LOVE WITH THESE GUYS THAT'S SOOOO CUTE! And baby girl, you know i have some family problems that's making me so hard to stay home. And oh baby girl ......." all sorts of things that we will talk under the dark or bright sky.

Where my boyfriend, will be the one that fill my hopes. Make me love somebody more than I do. Hugs and kisses that's different from any others. It's just different from how best friend should react to. Unless, I'm a lesbian and I fall for you.

I know people always say that they can't have the best of both world. But these are not my both worlds. These are not. My world doesn't revolve around the both of you. But many others too. So how much can I give to these people that mean to my life too when I've been coping myself to the two of you. That the two of you had made me feel so tired of my life more than any others do. The both of you had made me felt like I'm dead inside. You both left me, saying you are here. But in times, i felt the both of you gone. Gone away as far as you both used to do.

Pushing me away like I'm some toy. Telling me how much you both miss me and love me about how I love to. No, not referring that you both are the same. I can only see how my life goes. I can't see how you both survive or what makes you both upset and happy. It seems like I no longer plays a part in you both life. My role in yours has gone far away too.

Trying so hard to keep myself struggling to juggle the both of you together in my life, you both left. My efforts were never shown just like how you think yours were never shown too. I can only see that you both lost one person, which is me.

But in my life, I've lost two most important of my life. Ha, joke. BOTH, I JUST SAID BOTH. So you both think that it's only boyfriend and best friend? I've been keeping to myself about how hurt I am, I've stopped talking to my family. I woke up at 1030, prepare and go to school to study. 5, I work till 11. Reaching home at 11plus where the house is dark and nobody's awake. Slept at 4am every "morning" just to keep myself occupied till I feel like crashing. This cycle repeats and I love it like this. That's when I don't even have the time to think of the both of you. But you know what? When I'm alone, is the time I know I've broken down.

I can't understand your lives. I will never do unless you tell, unless you share. I don't know how much hurt I've inflict on the both of you. But I can only feel how much hurt I've gotten in return.

Don't tell me that I don't understand and never put myself in your shoes. I DID, I TRIED. But, my wrongs and mistakes has overwhelmed that you can't see my deeds anymore.

White flag.

I declared that I'm lost.

You guys win okay?

I just want to lose everything now.

Everything.

Fuck the world.

I'm tired of playing love games.

I'm tired of everything that has to do with emotions.

I'm physically tired. Mentally tired.

Fuck the whole universe.

Because of your love, I'm fucked up. Messed up. TOTAL FUCKING UPSIDE DOWN WITH MY LIFE. FUCK IT!

You may say that every day is a valentine day, I agree that too. But you don't cherish me. What makes me stay has become the part of making me leave. You may love me differently from any other guys outside, you're just special from any one out there. They celebrate every month of getting together, we celebrate once even after being three years together. HAHAHA!

The guys gave flowers to the girls and had a lovely dinner with their monthsary, you only gave me once during our first anniversary. Okay, just something special about us luh. When I think of it, I'll just reminisce and laugh at it. But when we're together, I'll get upset over it because YOU ARE NOT MAKING ME SECUREEEE!

BOOOHOOOO, MY BLOODY VALENTINE.

What's so good about this lady here?

But wait, there's something really good about this woman that bring the best out of me. She can never be like any others that change me to become, better. That wait for me, none like others. That understands me more than, any others do. She's too good that makes it so hard to describe with words about how imperfectly beautiful she is.

Not as easy as you think it will be.

Not as crazy you thought I would be.

I'm taking baby steps like you asked me to. Thanks for all the advice, thanks for all the courage you gave me. Thanks for every little things you've done for me. But I decide my life, myself. I do what I want to do. Not you instructing me what should I do. To get back with him or not. To be happy or not. To do what I'm suppose to do just because you expect or wish me to do all these.

And I'm not saying you are someone that treats me like a maid or something so I'm someone that listens to you. But you must know that, no one will understand other's relationships. I am not trying to tease you saying that you don't understand. Not only am I having these pains that inflicts me because of love, there's so many others out there having the same fate as mine. So am I suppose to tell you all these people that confronted to me about love and heartaches?

Girl, I'm not saying that you're pushing me down or something. I meant nothing, but I don't know how to solve this problems with you when it's all because of JH when he did not even do anything at all. But because, it's me who did so much for him and you're pissed at me. Yet, you have to know 3 years isn't something I can move on easily and be happy with my life.

There's this word called Reminisce Memories. Aches. Pains. How? How am I suppose to move on? How am I suppose to know whether am I right or not? Every night ending up like this, you think fun? You think it's not tiring? Making you attitude me is not something I'm looking forward to. In fact, it's the very last thing I want it to happen in my life. I know, all because of me. I know, you're waiting and everything. I know most of the things you are doing for me. But I really don't know what more can I do for you.

I just need you by my side and yet I don't know how do I keep you stay. This is not easy for me and, it's not going to be easy for you too I know. Most of the times, you'll see me depressed. Some times, you'll see my laughters that's filled with tears. That's when I faked too much and cried to myself. Babe, go easy on me. I can't be the one you want me to be in your eyes. I appreciate for everything, every single even the littlest things you've done for me.

I love you and miss you. Just as much as you do. And don't worry, I wouldn't mind be the one dying in a car crash just as you wish you would be the one. Because it's much better that I am better off dead in this world.

Be good, text me soon as soon as you are done with your anger. I don't want to initiate a chat with you when you're feeling all egoistic and anger that fills your emotions and your replies to me will be one that I don't wish to anticipate with.

*hugs*

You treated me like a fool. You took me for advantage when I've made a choice to give you another chance as I always believed everyone makes mistake. You may have apologized for the first time and I guess, it just wasn't sincere enough. You took it for granted and thought that I was dumb enough not able to see it or sense it.

It shows that, you need to know more about me. Because, I have the senses that no one will ever have. Is to predict what you are doing to me.

Always, spot on. Just you see.

Just need to keep myself real busy.

Just need to make myself tired so whenever I'm on my bed, I won't break down to tears. I won't be able to think of anything but just wanting to sleep.

Yea, that's the way how it should be for now.

Just for now.

I wanna believe and think that you guys are still sad because I'm no longer there.

But, so much for crying. What I've see it's different from what i feel.

What should I do?

Probably you're the first guy that kinda wanting to let me have some faith in you. That trust in you. But I guess I've put too much hope and now, I have to take it back.

I won't, believe in promises. From now on, you guys can promise me everything and anything under the sky. But these words will be out from the other ear. Not to my mind and heart. Not anymore.