ROXANNE (;

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Surprisingly, our quarrels are not hurting me in any more ways. But i know I just know that i'm here trying to be strong.

Struggling with a smile. Faking it, loving it. But hey, what makes you think that I'm stepping you down and you're not? And hey, don't we just love one another?

Baby, all we need is love. Trust. Equality. Commitments. Care. Understanding. Sharing of thoughts.

I've really waited for you more than you can imagine. That's when you really take it for granted. And even tell me that I'm talking rubbish? Asking why can't i wait longer when i've done it so many times? Asking why can't i be waiting when i know that whenever you run away from my life, you'll always be back?

Because baby, these are giving me insecurities. All the while you may be the one running and i'm here waiting. Just one day and who knows, that u won't be back anymore? What if just one day and who knows, I'm still waiting in vain for nothing? Just having this faith that you'll still be back when you never want to run back to me?

Have you thought of how I feel? Have you? You're struggling with your life, you have your problems. I have mine too baby. I have mine too. I just need that little small space of your big heart and mind to think for me. Just that little part, am i just asking for too much?

writtern @2:02 AM

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I know I'm contradicting, but my heart hurt so bad wanting you to be back in my life.
But I'm tired of all the pains that inflicts on me.
I'm tired of all the aches that I'm experiencing almost every month.
I'm just tired..

Yet, I wanna cry whenever I walk home alone.
Because, i knew that you'll never be here anymore holding my hands and walk me home anymore.

writtern @10:53 PM

Hello silly boy,
you know that things always happen in such a routine that, you will leave me in the lurch and then come back again.

But you have to know that, my heart can't take it any longer.
I may be there for you throughout or NOT.
I may be here standing waiting for you to come back all the time. Wishing for you all the time to be here, be the one to initiate to text me, to msn me and to phone a call to me. But baby, these ain't the ones that i'll be wishing for now.

Because you've reached my limit, my patience were long gone but to give you another chance to change. I know I am still standing there, wishing and waiting for the same old thing yesterday, today, tomorrow and every other day. Or even since the day the both of us happen to be in our own world. But hey, I wanna move on. I know I'm at my most vulnerable moment because you're not here anymore. Because I feel hurt that even though you left me, I still have to walk this life alone. Because of everything about us, every little moments you and I can ever think of.

But just one day, it may take a year for me or even longer to stop feeling all these pains and heartbrokens that's all because of you. But it's alright, I know i'll survive through this, even if i don't survive thru this, the most i could do is to do what i'm thinking will happen. Though this heart, always yearning for you each and everyday. More and more, missing you more than I can ever realise. These feelings are giving me so much pain and i'm torn to pieces whenever i just think of you. But you know what, I never wanna be in your arms again if you can't hold me tight. I won't be there to hold you tight if you're always running away from my life.

This time round, I may be yearning so much for you. Hoping you to wish for me to be back in your arms and all the things that makes both of us back together, I will not be wishing about it anymore. I'll then start to dream about these. Because we all know that, dreams don't come true.

I love you, I love you. I love you till I know every of your movements. Even before you text me about the break ups, I had cried beforehand. I knew all these will happen, just right after I start school (when we just patched back), you broke my heart again and left me in just 3 mnths time. Baby, tell me this is not love. Because i'm mentally gone from these heavy aches that you're giving.

I, will never regret telling you and showing you what's my vulnerabilities. I may not have love you the way you wanted it to be. But that doesn't mean i've never loved you. I loved you too much that I'm willing be the party that walks away from your life than you walking out of mine. Because none, I said none. None of my friends and family or even you will be walking out of my life.

I, will never regret for what i did because in the past i've predicted this day will come. This day will come so soon that I tell myself to fulfil my part as your girlfriend as long as i'm still with you.

Now i'm done with loving you with my whole heart, to the first man I ever kiss, ever hug and ever truely love with my everything even though I may not be filthy rich to give you what you always wish for. Letting you be my priority and when I'm only your options may seems to be wrong at many times that caused me a lot of friendship problems. You may not have known about it and you would always think that it's "YOUR FAULT" for all these problems that I've caused.

I will, put a stop to your aches and problems too. Baby, you don't have to worry for me aymore you know? I wanna grow up. I was never under your arms lying on ur chest, but I was always the one standing under the rain waiting for you to shelter me. When i know things won't happen, I will still stand there knowing thhat I'll be sick by catching a cold. And all you could do was to run further away from me.

However baby, thanks for everything you've done for me. From dates, to time, to loving me, to spending all these dough just for me to enjoy the moments with you. Although our dates were a routine of movies, dinner and homed. I may not enjoy every date due because it became dull, but I enjoy all the moment that were simply spent together with you. Just when I'm with you, able to know that you're beside me and i'm holding ur hands has made my day filled with love.

And for your info, the worst ever feeling is to miss you badly even when i'm standing beside you hugging you. I told you many times before when you were with me, but you didn't notice how vulnerable and weak i was in this relationship. You didn't realised how much I need you to make me feel secure and more.

As from what you said from the very first break up, even the longest banquet have to end?

We ended since many days ago. And yea, happy 2 years and 10 mnths anniversary to you k sweetheart? Which is 3 days ago that falls on 24th July. On the 24th sept 2010, I'll wish you 3rd year anniversary too. On the 23rd October, i'll be wishing you happy birthday. On the 17th dec, I'll dream about us going to honeymoon (Bali) together. In a suite, sleeping together. In the pool, swimming together. In a sauna and massaging all together. Everything, every single little moments that we've spent together will all, all be in my mind. It will never be erased I promise.

I love you, and I still do love you.
Goodbye, baby boy.
Be good and stand strong.
Sadly and of course a pity for me, i can't be there with you till you ORD on 12th Dec.
Because obviously, we're over.

*hugs*
*blow kisses* :)

writtern @1:30 AM

Sunday, July 25, 2010

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.

JUST STOP PLEASE. I NEED YOU TO STOP. STOP EVERYTHING AND EVERY SINGLE THING. NOW I WILL LEARN TO MOVE MYSELF. CRY TO MYSELF, TALK TO MYSELF AND BE MYSELF. I DON'T WANNA SAY THIS, BUT NOW I WILL BE ALL BY MYSELF.

writtern @2:07 AM

Tell me that if i gain friends, i lose best friend.
Tell me that if i gain laughters, i lose you.

I never wanted to be in anyone's life as long as I have what I want in my life.
Tell me that you will be here whenever i feel lost.
Tell me everything I want to hear.
Tell me baby, tell me people.
Tell me and just tell me.

writtern @1:59 AM

Baby, i'm into pieces.
Friends, i'm messed up.
Family, i'm all broken.

I just can't breathe anymore.
What's more, I don't wanna breathe anymore. Not anymore.

writtern @1:57 AM

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

How much have I changed?

I changed to someone who couldn't recognise me anymore?
I became someone that someone believed that i'm so strong that i no longer need anyone to share my stories, sorrows and happiness anymore.

Each day, i acted stronger than yesterday.
Each day, when i lose you. I told myself I must be the one to put those smiles on these people's faces when they're sad.
Each day when I lose you because I know that I'm the one that causes you all the sorrows and worries. It's the day when I started and tried my best to have NO expectation on people, No expectations of returnings from anybody when I just wanna be the one that put the smiles.
Each day, each and everyday I am struggling.

Everyone believes my smile. But you're suppose to believe that behind these smiles, my heart was aching.

You're no different from others telling me that, I am okay without you and therefore you should move on. How much have I not wanting you to move on! HOW MUCH have I wished for you to be back and be everything that's simple and good. I just wish for the past, but if i looked back. I will never succeed in the future!

I just wish that I won't be able to see another day. I died young when people still expecting me to be on their expectation. I died young, to convey the msg that I'm the one making everyone smile. I died when everyone still remembers me. I died young just to tell you guys, I love you so much that I no longer want to know your pain that were all caused by me.

I love, everyone.

writtern @1:53 AM